-Karsh

Chances are if you’ve even glanced at a news stand or the “Cooking” section in your local bookstore in the past few months, you’re undoubtedly somewhat familiar with Rachael Ray. The petite Ms. Ray, in just the span of three years, already has four hit shows on the Food Network, her own magazine and over a dozen best-selling cookbooks under her belt and is in cahoots with media giant Oprah Winfrey for her own talk show in the fall. Soon, everywhere you look, her smiling face will be the next household thing.

And because of that, you should know why she sucks so bad.

• Tight Shirts, Tiny Tits
  Don’t get me wrong; most of the chicks on the Food Network don’t strike me as fashionistas, but they know what works for them. With Paula Deen, it’s butter. Ina Garten? Gay friends and fabulous dinner parties in the Hamptons. Giada is a winner for the plunging necklines. Sadly, FN hasn’t waved their magical styling wand over Ms. Ray, whose wardrobe consists largely of junior-sized stretch-fit jeans and shirts that snap between the legs. If she had nice honkers, that might be acceptable…but girlie is clearly an IBTC card-carrying member. Ditch the spandex and invest in a Wonderbra.
• Affiliated With Dr. Evil aka Oprah
  Didn’t Oprah side with a lying author in early 2006? Then why in the hell is she now tongue-in-clit with the pseudo “chef” Ray? Either Oprah hasn’t learned her lesson, or Steadman’s been dropping one too many hints while painting her toenails.
• Good Girl on TV, Bitch in Real Life
  Sure…she’ll flash you a Jokeresque smile from behind her GB(garbage bowl), but many bloggers have reported that Ms. Ray is a stone-cold beeyotch in real life. I mean hello…upstate NY born and bred? Cajun daddy? Sicilian mamma? Voice like a 3-pack-a-day smoker? There can’t be anything sweet under all that grime.
• A Grown Up Punky Brewster
  It’s one thing to be the girl next door. It’s another thing to grow up and become the girl next door by trying to be spunky and outgoing. It’s like watching a bad Meg Ryan movie…and we’re ALL suck with it. Delish? Yum-O? Groovy? Can the 12-year-old euphemisms and grow up, honey!
• Umm…she can’t cook.
  I’ve made the mistake of actually WATCHING her show, and she pawns herself off as a “cook” who “doesn’t believe in measuring cups”. I find it hard to believe this one-trick pony even has her own show, let alone four. She cross-contaminates by handling raw meat then other objects without washing her hands, she drapes her clothing in her food, she doesn’t remove jewelry while preparing things with her hands and she “eyeballs” liquids and other dry goods which require a real measure, like flour or cornstarch. I know she’s trying to crank out these grotesque gastronomical treats for her Midwestern housewife gourmands in half an hour, but for Christ’s sake…prep, prep, PREP!
• Gay Ass “Sweetie”
  As if her mere presence doesn’t already irritiate hundreds of people, she managed to trick some douchebag into marrying her, thus scaring us all with the pitter-patter of little Hobbit-sized, toothy-grinned Rays in the future. Her husband, a lawyer by day and guitar killer by night, often appears with her on her shows and guest appearances these days, smiling in all his 5′2″ glory like a henpecked Oompa Loompa. Internets, start your rumors!
• Goddamn acronyms
  The acronyms aren’t so much a problem; it’s the fact she has to continually define them that makes them bad. Whether it’s EVOOextravirginoliveoil, your GBgarbagebowl or ADEanything damn else, Ray truncates her speech down to easy to digest (unlike her entrees) acronyms to make sure her VAviewingaudience can relish in the warped mental patterns which result from a lifestyle of fast cooking and hard living. FRforreal!

• Jokeresque smile
  I’ve alluded to it before, but really…this animated GIF says it all.

Picture courtesy of the Rachael Ray Sux Community, a group of people whose loathing for all things Raytardistic are truly astronomical. I love y’all.

COMMENTS NOW CLOSED TO PREVENT FURTHER ASSHATERY FROM RETCHEL RAYTARD’S FLOCK POLLUTING MY INBOX. CHEERS!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006 at 6:34 pm and is filed under Celebrities, Entertainment, Food, TV Shows. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.